“Talking to you is really refreshing.”
I smile and nod, laugh a little, and tuck my hair behind my ear.
Someone said this to me months ago and I still don’t know what the proper response to that is.
“If I was in your position, I don’t know if I would’ve been able to handle it with as much grace as you have. I don’t know if I’d be able to smile or laugh like you do.”
I never know what to say to this either. It’s a sentiment I hear pretty often. People always comment that I’m “strong.” I don’t think I’m strong, I think I’m scared.
I’m scared of being jaded. I’m scared of becoming bitter, of having a chip in my shoulder. I’m scared that I’m going to revert back to how I used to be, to holding so much resentment and bitterness in my heart that I wake up every day jealous and miserable. I used to be that person and I’m terrified of being that person ever again.
I just want to be happy.
And on most days I am. I don’t let the little things ruin my day. I let comments roll off my back. I don’t hold onto my anger. I laugh and joke around a lot. I like doing things that make other people happy. Maybe it’s selfish of me to do that, to derive happiness from someone else’s, but I think we’re all allowed to be a little selfish sometimes.
But there are moments where I stumble, where my world flips upside down, and I feel like I’m running in some kind of hamster wheel, running until my legs hurt and my lungs burn, but staying stationary while everyone and everything else passes me by. It’s moments like these that make me second guess myself and for a second I indulge my anxieties and insecurities. Everyone says I’m getting better, but is that actually true? Or am I just really good at hiding how fucked up I am and burying it?
Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to keep going. Sometimes I want to give up and, for once in my life, to give in.
I have to remind myself that these feelings are always fleeting; impermanent. That things will get better, that I just have to feel it and let it pass.
It comes in waves. The waves are coming further and further apart, but they still come. I should know better now. I should know that I can’t out run a wave – it’ll aways catch up and overtake me. But for some reason I try anyway, try my best to cling to that driftwood, try to kick my feet faster in hopes that maybe this time it’ll be different – that maybe this time I can escape it.
I never do and it crushes me, every single time.
Rich
Hi, Clare! 1.) Your doggies are too cute 😛 (I also love how a photo of them sitting among bright, vivid colors immediately follows this post – i.e. a complete polar opposite contrast) and 2.) This post resonated with me way too closely, especially, when you wrote:
“I just want to be happy.” It sounds lame and cliché, but, I like to believe that everyone (or at least, the majority of people) deserve to be happy.
“I like doing things that make other people happy. Maybe it’s selfish of me to do that, to derive happiness from someone else’s, but I think we’re all allowed to be a little selfish sometimes.” Interesting enough, I feel like I need to learn how to better be selfish/do more things that make me happy; if that makes any sense.
and “am I just really good at hiding how fucked up I am and burying it? Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to keep going. Sometimes I want to give up and, for once in my life, to give in.”
I actually did a blog/wrote about similar issues and feelings (I write “did” as in past tense because I’ve been awful with the upkeep. Ha, ha, I haven’t dusted that off for like 5+ years. You can’t rush art, right?)
In any case, just wanted to drop in and say hi and admire you and your strength in taking an introspective look at yourself and your feelings, then, subsequently, writing about it and expressing it to the world in a public forum. Not many people can do that…not to mention, many people aren’t even willing to do that. In any case, please keep on fighting the tide and shining bright, even when you feel like you’re entirely engulfed by the darkness.
Much Love,
-Rich
Clare N.
I didn’t see this reply until now! Thank you so much for the kind comment. 🙂 I totally understand what you mean in regards to the upkeep with writing – I’ve actually been trying to get myself to write again, hence why I’m finally checking this blog after a million months. Hope you’ve been well!
Best,
Clare